This entry is for and dedicated to Mr J.

Sorry I haven't written all weekend, it's just a lot has happened. On Friday there was a Halloween party at college, I went as a 'pimp' and Becky was my ho. Heh. It was fun. Urm. Me and Becky got a cab with Sean and Dayan. Haha. There was this period of waiting at Sean's house (for about an hour) and Sean was upstairs getting ready so I lay on the couch in between Dayan and Becky and we just entwined our legs and sat on the couch giggling at so much. It was fun. Yeh.

We got to college and there was no one there haha. It was hilarious as fuck. There were random townies I suppose but ... haha the party wasn't that bad in the end. Lots of people I know turned up. Joe came as a pirate and his socks ROCKED. Haha. I was pointing them out to everyone. I don't think anyone really 'got it' but ya know.. they were cool. Oh oh and I got a hug from him! Wow. Then there was Ben with his red velvet cloak, his severed head and severed hand. Wow. Did they rock.

Ohh and I got to have a bit of a cigar! It was cool. Um. I also smoked quite a lot with Dayan. Hm. Haha. Picture this. Standing in front of two speakers with Sean and Dayan singing along and air guitaring to The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love. All of us smiling and laughing and people staring at us, but we didn't care. We had fun.

Heh. Then an hour later we escaped the live band and went into the canteen where they played Green Day - Basket Case and then Sean asked for 'The Song' or so it was to him and Dayan. It was The Darkness again.. and we had so much fun. People were just sitting around in that canteen (although we got joined by two random guys *shrug*) I felt like shouting "How can you not join in? How can you not love this song?"

There were times where everything felt perfect that night, but, as usual, it all turned sour towards the end.

Me, Becky, Sean and Dayan left the party around ten thirty and were going to go to Camden to a club but didn't in the end.

Me and Dayan ended up sharing two thirds of a bottle of vodka with Sean having three gulps. Hm. When we left Dayan at Euston I completely fucked up.

I tried killing myself around four or five times, by throwing myself in front of the approaching train, by trying to talk into the road. Sean and Becky constantly had to surround me to make sure I wouldn't do anything. I kept hearing Becky say "Sean, she's running away again" and then I felt his hand on my shoulder and I knew he wouldn't let go until he judged I was safe. In the loose sense of the word.

On the night bus I sat down with Becky opposite me and Sean beside me. I started banging my head against the window. The window shuddered and I heard Sean say "Don't do that the window might break" but I couldn't stop. It was like I was possesed. There was this moment when Sean leant down, with his hand between my head and the window and he whispered "Don't do this to yourself Hannah. This isn't the way, you know it isn't. It'll get better, I've been there, I know how you feel and it will get better. Don't do this Hannah." I listened for a bit but it just happened again.

We got off the bus and I got this total fear of going home. I dropped my back and just ran in the opposite direction. Sean ran after me, hugged me and I cried for the third time. (I cried on the bus, in fact I shuddered while crying, there were sobs. I also cried on the train platform and train)

Then Becky joined us, with my bag, and they gathered me in their embrace. I felt the tears trail down my face and as I did I heard myself say the words "Don't, please don't, don't, please don't." Over and over again. I was referring to them caring. I couldn't take it. Their love (?) was so great at that point that it hurt me to think about it. It hurt to think I actually had friends that had seen me at my worst and still gathered me in their arms and held me while I sobbed.

When they finally got me home, after I'd tried escaping a few more times, I apologised and Sean phoned his mum to collect him. She came and walked up to me, stared at me and asked if I was okay. I don't know what he told her but.. as long as my dad or mum doesn't find out I don't care.

So all in all a very interesting night. Even more.. interesting? was Saturday, where I had to play pool with the remnants of vodka in my system. Hm. I either saw two balls or I went cross-eyed. It was interesting. Haha. I ended up potting the black in my first game, with great relief may I add.

Sunday I did nothing except mope. For about a week or so now I've felt more and more indifferent to everything. Someone could hurt me now and I wouldn't feel a thing because.. it just doesn't matter. I don't matter.

Anyway. This is my entry. Mr J wanted me to write one and I did. I also want Mr J to know that I couldn't have got through tonight without talking to him because you help me so much dearie. I hope all gets better for you and I hope you find your hat.