I just put on Aerosmith's album and I swear to you.. I'm rocking out with my little air guitar and my jazzy scarf. Yeah baby I rock your world AND YOU KNOW IT! I'm also talking to myself. And I'm headbanging to 'dry my hair'. Yes.

I realised something the past two days or so. If me and Mr J didn't talk at least once on the phone I would be at a loss. I'd be running around like a headless chicken and hearing his voice in my head. Whilst banging into a wall because... I HAVE NO HEAD! Oh yes I am oh so witty. But it is a serious comment. I enjoy talking to him so much. He makes me laugh at the silliest remarks which just make him .. him? I know what I mean babah.

Tonight I'm going to the cinema, hopefully, going to see Kill Bill. I have to look 18. Yes. I'll keep that in mind because I seriously don't look 18 at all, but we can only hope. Sean is going to the buy tickets and he is a tall mofo so he should be able to suceed. Otherwise I will be sad. Yes. And then monkeys will attack the cinema.

I just realised that I am really depressed, like, this may be the worst I've been in ages, but I don't feel it. Being numb sucks, and everyone complains about feeling everything and anything. Feeling is better than not-feeling. Remember that, I have to keep it in mind in the hope that I will one day feel, for longer than two minute periods.

There are a few things keeping me alive right now and they are:

1) Keeping Mr J happy and smiling and keeping our friendship rolling. I am going to see him in FIVE DAYS! We're also meeting in December and then camping in February.

2) The thought of my mum finding me dead in my room is too much to bare. Whenever I'm feeling really suicidal that thought always sobers me up. My english teacher told me to remember that and it has always stuck in my head. Good advice.

3) Party Rings..

4) Hope. I've always had hope.

So there's a very short list of things keeping me going but it is an important list.

I seriously think Aerosmith has just made me really hyper and bouncy. And Jaded is one of the best songs ever.. well.. maybe not but I really like it lots.