I'm scared of sex. Yes I am so fucking aware of how weird that sounds coming from me. The girl who makes so many innuendos if she had a pound for every one she has made she's be fucking rich, but I really am. Maybe the innuendos and the constant teasings and talk of sex cover it up. Sometimes it even fools me, but I can't remember a time when I've been totally comfortable with the idea of sex.

I don't know what exactly it is about sex, but I'm guessing the whole nudity thing is one main fear. I have never liked my body and most people haven't exactly helped that fear. I can't really imagine anyone actually being 'turned on' by my body.. clothed or not.

Yes I can think of situations where that is proved wrong but I have NEVER been fully naked in front of a guy.. oh wow talk about confession time.

Let me be blunt here, but the idea of a penis being shoved (gently pushed? Hahahaha) into my vagina is not very.. comforting or.. pleasant. I mean I am well aware that.. after a few times it should turn into a pleasurable and wonderful experience, but what do you say after the first time? "Ouch, that hurt like a motherfucker" I mean, talk about confidence and ego crushing.

And then there is the fear that you'd be absolute bollocks in bed, that you'd have to 'make noises' to show your appreciation. I have always been really bad about comments and noises in certain situations. I usually want my silence to say it all but I'm fairly certain that it doesn't.

Aren't you always meant to remember your first time? Remember it as a special and beautiful occasion. I'm a romantic deep inside and that's what I want it to be. I don't mean candles, fancy meaningful music and satin/silk sheets. I mean that connection should be there, that total understanding that what you are about to do isn't just a experience that brings you sexual fulfilment and is something to brag to your friends but something that should bring you closer together and make you a stronger couple.

Maybe I am a strong romantic at heart (which could make me endearing or stupid, either way) and I'll be disappointed but I am fully aware that I am strong enough to say "No" and not go the whole way. There is no way I could do just have sex the first time I meet someone, because I'm not like that. At least.. I hope I'm not because I'd never forgive myself if I was.

I'm going to get off this whole sex fear thang. It's just one of those things that no one actually knows about. It has never come up and is a truly weird thing, especially coming from me.

On Thursday I went counselling and she told me she wants me to eventually end up telling my mum how I feel about the whole dad situation. I have to admit that earlier today I felt some real anger at the fact that I came from an affair. That stings so much that people can't really understand fully. I don't talk about it because it is a touchy and.. quite disturbing subject for me.

On Friday I went to see 'Finding Nemo' again and it was much better the second time round. I don't know why. Everything was much more funnier and my little cousin's comments on the beginning short film thing was hilarious at the time. At the end Mali said "It was about a snowman Nanny." Haha. The way she said it was like we hadn't just seen it. *sigh* Bless her.

Saturday I went to see Dayan. Sadly the trains fucked up so I had to phone to say I'd be a bit late but I arrived only half an hour late, so not too bad really. We didn't actually do much except lie on his bed holding each other and 'fighting' over silly little things like who has won the kissing battle. So far he has won every single time I've seen him, but one day it'll change. That actually led to a conversation about the only situations which would lead me to winning; him being in a monkey cage, trapped in a room filled with water and alligators and Sean dancing around wearing only a pink thong and his leather coat. Yes that image was fucking disturbing and led both of us to closing our eyes and then giggling a lot.

Oh yeh and the one situation in which I would win and we both knew it; him being surrounded by five scantily clad women and me being lowered down Mission Impossible style above him. Hahaha. He did point out that I probably would get distracted by the women hence causing me a problem in winning. Dammit.

We then went to Leytonstone Station, met Alice, bought some stuff to take to Becky's and off we went.

We kinda watched BASEketball. Fricking hilarious. However me and Dayan went outside twice for a smoke and the second time we kinda stayed out in the garden, me lying on the bench, my head in his lap clasping a cigarette and him sitting up. I can't remember all of the conversation but I remember feeling good. Which is a weird thing to feel.

In the end everyone else joined us and we all attempted to make a pentagram on the garden table. It was a failure until it was just me, Dayan and Alice and then it kinda went alright. However I had had a shitload to drink. Seriously. Vodka.. haha... whoa there baby. I was stumbling around, attempting to drink more just because I could. I wanted to get really fucked up.

In the end I did actually end up fucked up in the head. I became really jealous of nothing. And possessive. Sh. I haven't told anyone that part of it all.

I broke the bathroom sink. Haha. That amuses me now.

I was lying on the couch when Becky started trying to talk to me while Luke walked around not wearing his shirt (urgh) but no words could come out. I had fallen into an emotional coma and it was all too much. I switched myself off. One moment I remember was Dayan lying behind me, his wrapped around my neck and head begging me to speak, Alice lying on top of me holding a hand, Becky kneeling in front of me and Luke hovering uncertain what to do.

I ended up on the bathroom floor with tears running down my face, Dayan's arms wrapped round me, him whispering words to me with Alice in front of me. All of them begging me to believe them when they said I was fab. When I told htem I was worthless and that I should just throw myself down the stairs and land on my neck they were horrified.

It all ended up okay. Once Dayan had comforted me we ended up talking to Luke on the phone, taking Dayan to the station, me treating him to KFC because he likes it and I wanted him to be a happy bunny. We then phoned one of his friends I asked him if Lucifer was there. Hahaha. He told me I had the wrong number so then I asked about kinky sex. It ended up with talk about goats and.. bondage I think. It was fucking funny.

Then when me and Dayan had got hassled by someone (the guard?) at Leyton Station for kissing Dayan got stopped to show his ID and ticket for the train. Becky walked out of the station shouting "Motherfucker".

We skipped across every road holding hands and smiling. As I skipped I felt free. Something you rarely feel in this day and age.

Decided to stay at Becky's because my dad had pissed me off, but that's for another entry.

Boy is this long. I doubt anyone will read all of it except Mr J, most probably.

So this is most of what happened. Some stuff will forever be forgotten or hidden in my mind because there are some moments you don't want to ever forget.

I miss you. You just don't know that because you haven't seen my tears fall for the great friend I lost.