I just watched Trainspotting and wow. It's like, I don't exactly know why that film has had such an impact on me, but it has. I'll admit some of the scenes disturbed me, the dead baby was fucking horrible. I hate needles so any of injections just freaked me and made me cringe.

Aside from that though I liked every moment of it. If someone actually asked me "Do you remember.." and stated a scene I don't actually know if I'd remember the specific points because I am like that. I enjoy a film but it takes me a couple of times watching it to remember certain parts. However the toilet scene, dead baby and other parts may stick with me for a bit. Good film though.. really liked it.

Today I just remembered this time me and Alex were discussing superhuman powers and what we'd have. I think mine was I'd turn green and be fucking strong, and taller. Like the Hulk except I'd look better (haha) and he would have eight arms like an octopus. If I remember correctly (and I might not be) we ended up arguing which power was better, not a full out argument but a fun one.

I think I said I could push over a vending machine full of chocolates onto him with my super dooper strength... or something. Haha. It was fun. It's a memory I enjoy remembering, unlike so many.

I keep getting random memories that hardly ever link with my current thought pattern, but I don't mind so much there is always a link.. it's just vague and distant.. like my thinking right now.

I'm writing a story at the moment, hopefully I'll develop it instead of it being left stranded and alone like soo many other stories. Haha.

Every time the phone rang today I answered it with a 'moo'. Unfortunately this guy answered phoning for my dad about his NTL service (or something, he didn't actually say cos I think he was worrying about my state of mind). I said moo and then there was silence, finally he said is Mr Cameron there? Haha I nearly laughed at the moment but I just answered no in this stone cold way.. he continued asking me questions but I think he lost all enthusiasm for his job when I answered the phone. Poor guy. Hope he went home to his wife and got a hug. Hahahahahaha. I am so bitter.

I want to believe in love... should I though? I believe in love when it applies to certain people, some people love isn't the right word, sometimes I just don't feel love, where other times love seems to envelop me because of the purity of it all.

In October I'm going to meet Alex and I cannot wait. I don't know if we're going to do anything (not that that is a problem, me being a lazy moo and all) but just meeting him will do something for my life. I know that. I've known that since we decided to meet.

This could all turn soppy but WHATEVER. Whenever I want honesty I go to him, his love for me.. it's just amazing and seriously helps me actually function. Yeh it could be considered weird that we've never met, but it doesn't mean we never will meet. Because we will in October.

YEH.

I hope Jason is alright. This evening he got really sad (at the same time as me) and I worried about him. Yet I think he's strong, no no, I know he is strong. Still can't help worrying about a friend aye.

=) My friends are wonderful, sadly my depression just takes over all the goodness in my life and blinds me from the wonder and splendour that my friends provide. Peggerty is always there for me, I seriously don't actually know what I would do without him. He doesn't mind what I say, we talk about everyything. Haha. That includes his feet and kinky sex, though usually those two aren't connected. Haha... YES I am sure about that. *sigh*

I feel filled with brilliance and wonder because of my friends, yet it's all shadowed and covered by this layer of sadness, that I just can't shake off. Ever. Maybe I'm just going to have to learn to cope with it. Right? Right.

What will be.. will be.