I swear.. I should be getting for college, heh I have to leave in two and a half hours. OH WOW HURRY HURRY.

I've been going through a lot of weird moods lately. One moment I am completely happy and focused on life. The next, the next I shift into this paranoid freak who can't understand or comprehend anything.

I'm paranoid so much of the time now. Looking behind to make sure no one is walking behind me, and if they are I have to make sure they're not staring and pointing and laughing about me. Talking about me as I walk on down the street.

I don't like college, maybe I will begin to but it is always a bad sign when in the second week I dread going in. Dread sitting on my own hoping that I'll either be included in a conversation or I'll be able to join one. But when that happens they discover what a freaky bitch I am and decide to ignore me after that. I suppose I just have that effect on people.

It has always been a drag to be me and it is highlighted all the more at college. People stare because my clothes are baggy and unorganised. Because I don't fit into any of the groups that have already appeared. Because all my 'friends' seem so much more together and clued in then I am, or ever will be. Because I'm the one that can sit anywhere in a class, daydream about killing herself and is then driven to a corner, or a side, or the back of the class. Because who I am isn't acceptable.

Maybe it'll change, or maybe for the next two years I'll be the lonely one. The loner of the college. Hum.

I feel horribly selfish for typing all that.

Nothing feels right anymore.

Nothing feels good enough. Heh.

Nothing feels like it should.

Everything keeps moving against what I want.

And yet. One thing can keep me going. Got that one thing to look forward to. Then I can start ruining my life. Heh, like I haven't started already, just nobody knows about it.