I feel so alone right now. I do talk to people but it's just not the same.. as something, I don't know what. I thought getting hugs from friends and being able to joke around with lots of laughter and happiness would heal some of the sadness and loneliness inside but it hasn't and I don't know why.

It's almost driven me to tears, a state which I seem to be living in quite a bit right now.

Today me, Sean, Becky and Dayan (a friend of Sean who is tres amusing and funky) were sitting on the steps of this pub while Dayan and Sean had their drinks. We were sitting there and it was them three on the step and me just sitting behind them leaning against these railings and all I could think was "This is how I feel all the time. As though I'm just behind people and not functioning as socially well as others"

It sounds stupid now, but where I was sitting said it all for me. I sat there with my knees up against my chest breathing silently, trying to hide my presence, trying to pretend that I wasn't there and that I was somewhere else. I was hiding and yet I was in public and in full view of everyone.

I kept trying to think of the good things. Of how fun Friday will be at the Halloween party, how I've made some ace friends but none of it mattered. All I could do was sit there huddled up, on the verge of tears and just wishing, hoping that something would just take me away.

I don't care where I go I just feel the need to escape everything. I want to walk across a meadow and breathe in the scent of grass and listen to the silence with occasional noises, but none that remind me of home. Birds communicating to each other, the rustle of my feet brush against strands of grass, I want the feeling of loneliness that coincides with contentment.

I want to walk across this meadow with no bag, nothing attached to me. Just my clothes, me and my thoughts. Nothing else. I want to walk across this plane of grass and feel as though I don't have to pretend that I feel good about myself. I don't want to have to feel as though I'm ugly because people stare at you and judge you as you walk past. I just want my surroundings to accept me.

I don't want to walk past people with a friend and have them look at my friend and completely ignore me. Act as though I'm not there and as though I'm completely insignificant and unpleasant to even think about, unpleasant to look at.

I want to walk across this meadow and just lie down in the middle of it, stare at the passing clouds. I want some rain to fall on me so I can feel cleansed of all the pain and dirtiness that smothers me.

I then want to sit up and curl into a ball and I want to look back and remember the time I sat curled up in a ball on the outside of this pub with three people almost ignoring me and I want to laugh. I want to start laughing so much that tears start trailing down my face in happiness. In joy. I want that.

I want to start laughing at the stupidity of it all. I want to walk back to wherever everyone else is and I want them to see me.. the real me. I want them to see me truly happy for the first time ever. I want them to accept that I am who I am and even though I'm so horrible in the looks department that doesn't matter. I want the good parts of me to shine through in my tears and my smile.

And I don't want my smile to be cynical or bitter anymore as it so often is. My laughter is full of cynicism and sadness nowadays that it is unreal and just.. no one can tell. When I smile it's usually in a way where in my mind I'm thinking "You have no idea" and not even in a stupid film-way, in a real truthful way.

I don't want to see certain events unfold and recall a memory that was once so precious and beautiful but is now so painful and completely destroying.

I want to arrive to a place I can call home and I want to feel comfortable. I don't want to feel watched anymore, I want the paranoia to disappear just for my fantasy so I can walk around the meadow without looking over my shoulder every five minutes because I think someone is following me.

I want to go home and I don't want to have a talk with someone about how bad I feel inside and try to describe despite the fact that no words can come to mind that describe the sadness, how it feels like a constant punch in the gut. How my sadness is a weakness and yet a strength.

I want to climb up a hill and stand at the top and look down on everything. I want to see fields of green and forests dotted on the landscape just keeping everything together and forming the perfect serene setting. I want to stand on top of this hill and not think about throwing myself off it and falling with a splat at the bottom.

I want to look across the landscape and feel thankful for every beautiful and amazing person I've met. I want to feel as though I'm flying on life and all there is at that moment is me and what I can see. I want to lose myself in the moment and sit down and just stare. I want to get out a notebook and write down everything. I want to start a story that everyone will like and will actually mean people take my writing seriously instead of as a passing thing.

I want to lie back and close my eyes and know I can just sleep there for as long as I like without feeling worried about waking up and going somewhere to do something that has to be done otherwise I'll be in trouble.

I want to hear a love song without thinking of what could have been. I want to hear a story about broken hearts and destroyed teens without relating everything to me.

I want so much and I realise this but if just one of those could happen I would love to feel a sense of peace feel me up like when pouring water from a jug into a glass. I want, for just one moment, to be shown a reason to live. I want this and so much more.

But I know that while standing in the middle of this beautiful field, or while standing on the top of the hill that I would always desire a gun to be held in my hand. What better way to do but while viewing the true beauties and wonders of life? I know that while standing on the hill I will be looking down and knowing that for one moment I could fall and actually feel as though I am flying.

I'll want a noose that I can hang from a tree somewhere secluded where no one would ever find me until it is too late or until I've been termed missing in society. I want to leave a note for anyone who cares and I would want it read out loud. I'd want to be found looking so serene and happy that they'll realise that the decision I made was the best for me and that they can't judge me.

They can't tell me that I was selfish and just plain stupid. They'll remember the good me and they'll think of how I could be happy.. and they'll never know that all the times I laughed and smiled along with them it was all a joke. No one will ever be able to actually know my true thoughts (and what a good thing that is too) but they'll suspect. Because what else would I have left them with but suspicions and memories?

Maybe I just want an escape. I think I just need to feel.