I'm going to phone my father next weekend. I've decided on next weekend because I will have started college (could be a topic of conversation between us?) and I might have come to accept what is happening. I don't actually believe it is happening. Just one of those things.

Alex has been... wow. He just typed out everything I'd been thinking and it all made sense. I know what I'm doing. I'm doing the right thing. I have to contact him because he is one half of the partnership that made me. That is something I have to get to grips with. I have to talk to him because he has a family, a family who know me.. and I want to know this family. I want to know where I come from.. I want to know whether I look like him at all. I want to know about him.

I wonder what he is thinking right now. My mum is gonna phone him to say I'll phone over the weekend. Over the weekend when I pick up the phone I will shake so fucking much... I just don't want to cry. How pathetic? That's all I care about. Oh, and I know there will be awkward silences but I'm also fretting about them.

Yet I know I have my friends standing by me right now. People are just reacting amazingly to the news. Peggerty is just telling me how it will be fine, using his brilliant sense of truth and the way he just says things to bring the point home wonderfully.

Jason is just listening to my waffle (well I call it waffle... he says it isn't.. uhhhuh) and just responding but basically letting me vent. Not just about that, about other things too. (I cannot wait for The Programme either. I can't explain it right now, but I assure you I will one day. Ohhhh the excitement. Too much excitement in a weekend)

Loley is just being amazing. Asking how I feel and investigating it all. We're both interested about where in Wales he lives .. MWAHAHAHA.. we shall find out. I pointed out it would be fucking freaky if he lived in the same town or just down the road from her.

Hannah P and Nadirah are watching me closely, mainly because they're worried I'm going to become majorly suicidal. Hannah stayed the night yesterday to 'watch me' I suppose you could say and when Nads phoned up Nadirah told Hannah to 'keep me away from the knives' and to keep some Dettol close to hand. I love Nadirah's tact. Fucking A. Hannah has just been a rock. Watching me. Trying to stop me from going silent.

And when she left it all went bad. Around midday I just cracked. I couldn't take it for some reason, then Alex came online and he had to tell me that because I was born out of an affair I am still me.. I am still Hannah Margaret Cameron. A lot of salutes go out to Alex.

Ohhh I saw recent photos of him! Hurrah!

I told Sabeeh today and he might have been more shocked than me but he was supportive. Which is great. I knew he would be though because I know and trust him.

It seems like I've told loads of people, but I haven't, these are just the people who I know will give me different types of support, and I need the variety. I need the support right now. However selfish it all feels I need to be vaguely selfish because.. for once this is about me. He is my father. No one elses. As Alex pointed out.

Oh I told Muhit and... he seems to be there for me. He better be.. otherwise I'll... twist his nipples? Haha. Hm. Seeing him on Saturday sometime.

People keep telling me I'm taking it all very well but the truth is.. I don't know if I am. I just randomly sit and think about it and start to cry. It's.. a lot to handle, but I'm going to handle it. I will. I mean. You've read this diary entry (if you've got this far) and you see what great friends I have. They'll help me handle it if I can't when I'm on my own.

I'm going to do this.