I'm sitting here just feeling internally curled up in pain. I want to go on normally but I can't. All I can think about is gathering up as many pills as I can. Who gives a fuck where from? Hopefully, if they work, I'll be dead.

I feel myself bunch my hand into a fist to save me from scratching bloody lines up and down my arms, releasing the fist to stop nail marks appearing in my palm, making a fist because IT FUCKING HELPS THIS ANGER BREED.

And why can't I tell anyone how I feel? I'm just going to pretend I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. I have tears in my eyes and I want to go downstairs and find a knife. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Why does this always happen to me? Happy happy FUCK THIS WORLD bouncy bouncy.

What am I holding on for?

I feel so much pain. So much pain. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I want to cry and cry and let it all out but my body seems to be unable to let me cry. All I can do is feel like absolute shit.

That there.. that's not me..

I just drown myself in music, feel the first tear drip down my cheek and wish I could be in your arms again.

Because that's all I'm left with; nothing and everything still on my shoulders. [It's all my fault]