I sat at the front with his parents because, basically, they took my hand and dragged me there.

I felt the tears stream down my face and I stood up when they brought the coffin down the middle. The placed it on the roller-y thang in front of us. Right in front. I saw the coffin being rolled away at the end and it was horrible.

You can't stop the awful thoughts.

And then the reception was too hot and too smokey (yes I have quit smoking) and loads of people kept talking to me. Sean and Pat (a friend of Sean's from the internet who also knew Dayan) devised this plan where if anyone within 'The Danger Zone' came near me they'd both lean in and talk to me. It worked.

I've run out of words now. I'm going to go. I'm drained and headachy and empty..

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