Okay so here's what happened at the doctors.

He took my blood pressure. Then he asked to weigh me. He then measured how tall I was and then looked at this chart on his wall and told me I was overweight (yeh I knew that dumbarse) but then he said if I gained much more weight I'd be obese.

You know that trembling cliff edge I've been standing on for oh so long? It gave way. I didn't cry in his 'office' but as soon as I was out of there I cried. I admit it. I walked out of there. Put on my jumper, put up the hood and cried. I had tears trailing down my face while I sat in the back of the bus and all these people knew I was crying but what can you do? They can't comfort a stranger.

I cried because I was told I'm almost obese. I have never.. ever thought I was obese. I'm sorry. I know I have low self-esteem but NEVER have I ever thought I was so fat I'd be termed obese. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against obese people, I'm not prejudiced at all. But when I'm constantly aware of my fat and I'm told that it's going to sting me and hurt me... a lot.

I got to college early but if I hadn't gone to college, and had gone home I would have tried to do some to me, I would have probably tried to commit suicide. It sounds pathetic I know but that's how bad I am.

I got there, sat on a bench with the dried tear lines still on my cheeks and I read, listened to Idlewild and tried to disappear, to hide.

I got into Psychology and my heart wasn't into it. I like the subject loads and I'm usually 'into it' but today I it took everything I had to not just burst out into tears in the middle of the lesson.

I doodled to keep myself from crying and when I looked up, at one point, the teacher was talking but staring at me doodling. I just stared back. I didn't try to be defiant, I didn't try to hide my pain I stared back and I was like "I'm sorry". I looked down after he looked away and I continued doodling. Doodled to save my life.. my tears.

Lunchtime I was with Anisha and she noticed I was quiet but didn't say anything. We hung around together and giggled over this guy who thought he was a model but constantly I was filled with painful thoughts and sadness. I felt as though I'd fallen into an abyss and I could never crawl out of it.

The second period of Psychology was just as bad. Paid no attention whatsoever. This girl asked if I was okay but what can you say in reply to that?

Afterwards I walked out behind the teacher's desk and just as I passed him he goes "Hannah, are you alright? You seem different." I couldn't speak. If I spoke I would have cried. It wasn't just the obese comment it was all my depressed moments, all the times I'd cut, all the times I'd tried to kill myself, all the times I'd been hurt just flashing through my mind.

I just nodded and shook my head in reply to all his questions. When he asked me "Do you want to talk about it?" I stared out across the emptying classroom, I looked out the window and realised this was my oppurtunity to get better. He asked if I wanted to talk elsewhere because of the classroom (I had stared for at least ten seconds and he must have sensed my reluctance) and I nodded.

He talked to my form tutor for a bit (not about me) and then we went to an empty classroom where I talked. I told him about the situation with my dad and when he asked "Isn't that a good thing?" All I could do is let the tears slide down my face and just stare at the window. It is a good thing but what people don't understand is it is a HUGE thing to be undertaking and I am already a shitload of pressure.

He just let me cry, didn't offer me any sympathy (which i am mightily relieved about) and he let me talk. At the end (and throughout actually) he gave me advice. He asked if I wanted to talk to the college councillor and I just nodded and whispered "Yes"... but I think I whispered in my mind.

He's setting up an appointment for me and I'm going to talk to him early next week and see what is happening. He told me he hoped talking to him had made things better and when I said thank you he said it was no problem. I then apologised for 'burdening him with my problems' and he told me not to be like that. He said even though we'd only seen each other for the past three weeks he wanted to help.

The weird thing? I trust him to help me. I did talk to my form tutor but he did fuck all. That pissed me off. I can't hold it against him, I am just one pupil out of many, yet this Pyschology teacher will do something.

He has to. I mean.. look how I am now. If left alone I'm going to get worse and worse. So I need help. I'm hopefully going to get it.

I got home, wrote the previous entry and then cried again. The pain was bad. I cried empty sobs but then the tears came.

I'm sorry if I scared you Jason, it was not my intention at all.

And then there was Peggerty.. *sigh* Thank you sweetpea.

So I feel slightly better now. I told Gaz I felt suicidal and he told me to stop feeling like that otherwise he'd shoot me in the foot. That told me eh? Haha.

I told Laura everything first, then Nadirah and then Jason. I want to thank them three. A lot.

Anyway. I'd better go. Is this the longest entry ever or what? ... I doubt any of you could read all this.